Thursday, January 16, 2014

Shame

I can't seem to get over the shame I feel right after the session. Its overwhelming at times. I've even gone as far as throwing away perfectly good gear. This happens quite often but I still end up coming back to this site, and other sites that involve pup play. I don't really know what to do.

This post on pupzone had me feeling so sorry for the pup that share it - and thinking about my own experience of shame and guilt over kink.

Which of us has not experienced that rush of post-kink shame - that sudden feeling that our obsession was somehow wrong or embarrassing - that urge to hide away our gear, tidy up and pretend that it never happened?

I know that it used to be a regular and overwhelming feeling for me in my early days of sexual exploration and developing kinkiness. I would get lost in play - feel myself drawn ever deeper into my expanding fantasies, surrender myself to them in my arousal and hunger - shudder with ecstatic delight as I came... and then, as the buzz faded, I would feel a cold wash of pure shame, a hot flush of guilt: a sudden and overwhelming feeling that what I had done was wrong, sick and sinful.

Shaking, I would desperately claw whatever gear, toys or rubber I had played with from my body - feeling a deep sense of horror and revulsion at myself and my weakness at not being able to resist the source of my kink. In anger and shame, I would tear, cut and burn these symbols of my perversity and helplessness - filled with a need to rid myself of this vile 'temptation' to 'sin' again.

In those early years, I must have destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of gorgeous gear in such desperate acts of anger and shame - and yet, even though I would try to be 'good' I would always eventually find myself returning to those fantasies, buying more gear - and starting the whole cycle again.

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Shame and guilt are strange emotions.

Both make you feel that what you have done is 'bad' - guilt is the fear that what you have done is bad for you and 'wrong', but shame adds the fear that others will find out and punish or mock you.

As social animals, these emotions developed to help bind us to the norms of our social groups, so that those groups could knit together well. They are how we establish societal taboos, and they are the internal driver that helps us adhere to societal rules of behavior. Sadly, the manipulation of shame and guilt is a very powerful way make people 'toe the line' and behave 'normally'.

Guilt and shame can be useful tools to discourage us from harmful behavior - but when they become associated with inherent parts of our identity and sexuality, they become deeply damaging - causing us to disconnect from our true inner selves, and even to eventually come to hate those parts of us that make us feel ashamed. This is especially so when it comes to sexuality and desire.

In our much-repressed society, kink and fetish are often both seen as something 'un-natural' (or at least, not 'normal') - which is why we so often feel shame at having these 'unnatural' desires. But the truth is there is nothing inherently wrong or unnatural about fetish. *Everybody* has a fetish: it might be something very obviously 'out of the ordinary' like rubber, or BDSM or puppy play - but even such 'normal' desires like being a 'breast-man' or a 'leg man' are in fact fetishes, since they are not purely about reproduction (Freud himself defined fetish as 'any sexual urge that is not focused on vaginal penetration' - which would include just about everything even 'normal' people would simply think of as 'sexy', such as guys getting turned on by their girlfriends in sexy underwear and makeup, or women getting a bit hot over their boyfriend's bulging pecs...!)

But even Freud recognized that Human sexuality is *deeply* complex, and that it can be triggered and developed in multiple ways. It is very common for sexual feelings to spontaneously trigger over external objects or fantasies - and to then become *associated* with those triggers. This is especially so with objects that create or remind us of sexual stimulation: such as materials that look wet and slick, or behaviors that remind us of the primal parts of ourselves.

This process of fetishistic association is perfectly normal sexual development - and one reason why there are so many fetishists out here in the real world (as well as why so many of us share the same kinks)!

Kink is normal, and so there is nothing to be ashamed of at all!

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It took me a while to come to realise all of this - but meeting and playing with other healthy and happy fetishists and perverts was a major step out of that darkness and into the full and happy expression of myself. Above all others, it was my Handler who really taught me: "You aren't harming anyone with your pleasure. That you feel good playing like this is perfectly *NORMAL*. Accept it, embrace it, become it, revel in it. ENJOY it - and feel pride in who you are."

And you know, He was right. Shame is a powerful and destructive emotion that really has no place in your sexual identity - but the direct opposite to shame is PRIDE.

Pride is always the answer to shame.
Accept who you are. Accept what turns you on.
Feel PRIDE in your perversity and the rich creativity of your desire.



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